The Deathnote Dating Gameshow
by Sakurazukamori6
Summary: Being the soon to be God of the new world can be a rewarding if lonely job. But do not fear obsessive Kira-worshippers, for Sakura Tv is here to ensure that the savior finds that special somebody. RaitoxL/Mikami/Misa/Takada/Near/Ryuuk.


"Welcome ladies and gentleman to a new episode of Kira's Kingdom! I'm your host -- some random guy they pulled off the street because all the previous hosts are dead--" A rimshaw sounds in the background and the room fills with nervous laughter.

"Tonight on Kira's Kingdom, we have a real threat--I mean a real treat for our viewers.

"Ever since we first aired the station has been getting in lots of fanmail for Kira. Even more, we've been getting in tons of requests from you folks at home for Kira-sensei to do all sorts of crazy stuff--from killing certain corrupt politicians to rescuing cute kittens from high treetops. Tonight, our program is devoted to one of those special requests."

The audience claps its hands excitedly.

"Though it's not from any of you worthless bums out there," the announcer corrects and the audience's ecstatic cries die down in disappointment. "It's from someone who actually matters in the scheme of things, who's made the streets safe for little old grannies again, who's single-handedly reworked our entire judicial system (even though no one ever asked him to) --

"You all know him, you all love, you all might be killed by him one day. It's the one, the only, Kira!

Raito walks out onto the stage and takes a seat on his throne. He crosses his legs, props his chin in his hand, and then makes a motion for the announcer to proceed.

"Let's get started by introducing our man of the hour." The announcer clears his throat and gestures towards the young man with a broad sweeping motion. "When he's not going by the titles of "God of the new world" and "the Savior," Kira-sensei simply goes by Raito Yagami: a former tennis champion, top graduate of the highly esteemed To-Oh, lead detective for the NPA, and soon to be the ruler of the world. He's been rather busy with plotting the destruction of a certain detective, but since things have calmed down lately and he's had the time to put some things in perspective, Raito has come to the decision that no perfect world is complete without that special someone to share it with."

Crowd goes "aww" and applauds.

"Sakura tv couldn't possibly pass up such a heart-warming request from our most generous sponsor, and so we've come together today to help this pure-hearted Prince find his one and only Princess. It's been a tough process selecting candidates that meet his standards, but after extensively polling his friends and family we've been able to come up with a list that we think he'll be pretty satisfied with.

"So without further ado, let's introduce our first contestant:"

The camera shifts to the other side of the stage that is shrouded in complete darkness and a spotlight is shone down on one of the chairs.

"She's a talented model/singer from the Kansai region with a love for Gothic Lolita wear and writing in her diary – _wink wink_."

Everyone laughs.

"The songstress with the gaze that men don't want to say no to. I think you all know who I'm talking about: the adorable, the spunky, Misa Amane!"

"Hi everyone, Misa will do her best to win the affections of Raito. Wish me good luck!" She waves and blows kisses at the crowd.

The announcer laughs and makes an "aww" sound. "Isn't she cute? If it were up to me, everyone would own their very own Misa-doll that came with catchy phrases like 'you avenged my parents, I think I'm in love' and 'If you don't stop seeing other girls behind my back, I'm going to kill them.

"Moving onto our next contestant, she's an NHN announcer that's been voted most popular new talent this year. A beauty that also graduated at the top of her class at To-Oh and captain of the debate team – what man wouldn't want to be her study-buddy – it's the elegant, the refined, Miss Takada."

"Good evening everyone. On today's show we'll be discussing the economic growth of Japan as a nation since Kira's takeover, followed by a short segment that is new to our programming schedule, but which I have high hopes for and titled: 'How I take your man away from you, Misa Amane.'"

"Die, bitch, die!"

"Okay," the announcer interrupts and steps between them, "moving on.

"Our next contestant is a virtual man of mystery. He hails all the way from England, where he apparently won the British tennis junior championship. He's also quite proficient in the fighting style, Capoeira -- and when he's not spying on you in the shower," the man chuckles, the audience laughing along good-naturedly, "he does some detective work on the side. A man that goes by many aliases, but since we have to keep things curt, we'll just be calling him by the shortest thing on the list. Give him a round of applauds, ladies and gentleman. It's L!"

"So this is what heaven looks like," L says, looking around at Misa and Takada and then at Raito.

"I think I am going to like it here." He gives the announcer a thumbs up and the man gives him one back just as excitedly.

"Haha, what a charmer."

Raito's enjoyment of the program comes to a screeching halt when he lays eyes upon the detective. He blinks owlishly for a moment before his senses return to him, and then he's up from his chair and pointing at the unwanted guest.

"Get off my show! You're supposed to be dead--and you're not even a girl!"

"Haha, then you're not going to be too happy about the next contestant we have lined up for you."

"Get him off my show!" Raito shrieks, but the announcer and his cheesy background music cut him off.

"This next one comes from Kyoto prefecture. He's a prosecuting attorney that graduated at the top of his class at Kyodo University. A down-to-earth kind of guy that likes to work out at the gym when he's not giving criminal scum life sentences behind bars. You can't get more dreamboat than that, ladies and gentlemen. Let's give it up for Mikami Teru!"

"I am not worthy of God, but I will do all that is within my power to protect him from those who wish to do him harm."

The entire audience suddenly goes silent.

"What a… manly promise," the announcer says, attempting to salvage the atmosphere. "I guess the only thing I can say is 'Go get him, Mikami-san!'"

"Thank you."

"Being polite to the announcer is always a good thing as Mikami-san demonstrated, so our next guest should keep that in mind as he's currently ignoring our continual requests to sit in a chair and not scatter his toys where I have to walk."

"Not my problem," the white-haired boy says and waves the SPK members over so they can surround him and make a nice menacing circle of bodyguards.

"Yes…" nervous laughter, "well they sure are cute at that age." The man looks down at his cue-cards and shuffles them clumsily. "Let's see, ah our next contestant comes all the way from the US of A and leads an anti-Kira taskforce, which he has been nice enough to bring with him today." Rester points his gun at the announcer in a motion to hurry up, "and – and -- it seems he's also the successor to L."

The detective waves. "Keep up the good work."

"Give a heartfelt round of applause for Near."

Seated in the front row of the audience and surrounded by a gang of intimating-looking men and a redhead with a Gameboy, a blond someone dressed in black leather pants, a coat with a ruffled collar, and conspicuous shades, starts to make a loud booing noise that drowns out the applause for Near.

"No, no, no!" Raito screeches, practically throwing a temper tantrum in his throne. "Those three snuck in here to screw-up everything. Get them out of here now!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Raito-kun. I came here to win your heart, and win it I shall. Even if I have to handcuff and drag you to the nearest high-level security prison where you can serve out five consecutive life-sentences--my declaration of love will not go unanswered."

"We're always on the phone together, so I thought it was time to give up the long distance relationship and make a serious attempt to get to know each other better, Kira."

"I don't have to answer that question since I'm an audience member and I paid for my ticket fair and square. Are you going to kick a viewer off the show?!"

In the end, they all got to stay.

"Since we've gotten that out of the way, I'll introduce our next and final contestant. It… ah well… he hails all the way from the Shinigami realm where he spends his days lounging about and writing down the names of unlucky humans in his deathnote. I don't have much information on this guy, so let's just put our hands together and give shinigami Ryuuk a warm welcome."

"Raito give me apples."

"Hey is that what you kids are calling it these days."

Raito slumps in his throne. "The lineup you have here makes me look like I have no standards. I mean, even non-humans can get in," he complains and looks right at L and Near to demonstrate his point.

* * *

_Cut to commercial break_

_All our sponsors are pro-kira! (please don't kill us)_

_And now back to our regularly scheduled program_

* * *

**Round 1**

Straightening in his chair, Raito looks over at his potential mates -- the sorry lot that they are -- and sighs heavily before starting with the first question of the night. "I've practically met all of you before, so I've already been blown away by the bad first impressions that most of you gave me." Raito pointedly stares at L.

"However, and I'm speaking figuratively since I've practically met everyone here and some of you I wouldn't want to meet a second time," Raito pointedly stares at L again, "but say you were given the chance to reintroduce yourself, what would you do differently from your first time? Misa, I'm starting with you and working my way down."

The girl thinks about it and then shouts with her hands up in the air: "I wouldn't change a thing!"

Eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

"Wrong answer," Raito says, thankful that he has a buzzer to make sure that point gets across.

"Takada, what about you?"

She clears her throat, feeling put on the spot, but nonetheless answering like the professional anchorwoman that she is.

"I would have been bolder with the way I approached our relationship instead of worrying about what others thought of me."

"Commendable," Raito told her, "but not what I was looking for.

"Mikami, what about you?"

"Raito-kun, you are skipping over me," L interrupted.

"No, I'm not, because you're not a part of this show."

A producer runs over to Raito and whispers something in his ear that makes the brunette frown and shoo him away.

Sighing, Raito turns to the detective again. "Fine, go ahead and answer. What would you do differently if we could meet again?"

"I would have arrested you on the spot."

**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!**

"Disqualified. Can I kick him off the show now?"

Producer shakes his head.

Raito frowns and turns his attention on Mikami.

The dark-haired attorney looks him in the eyes and intensely declares with that serious voice, "This is actually the first time we've met in person, so I do not know if this question applies to myself. But as far as first impressions do go, I am beyond impressed by you, who is to be the God of this new world. If I were to meet my death here, then I would be thankful for having the chance to merely gaze upon you."

Everyone on stage, including the crowd, goes absolutely silent, save for a few coughers who are killing the mood.

Raito blinks, then: "_Finally._ At least one of you is on the right track. Good job, Mikami. If you keep this up, I'll definitely go home with you."

The crowd whoops it up and makes all order of silly hooting noises that would be at home for sitcom kissing scenes.

"Near, what about you? This is the first time we've met in person, so you'd better come up with a good answer."

The boy stares at him indifferently and then asks, "What was the question again? I did not hear it above the fanatical ravings of that guy over there."

"Ryuuk?" Raito calls, wisely moving on.

The death god looks around, aware of the spotlight and humans staring at him from all sides.

He scratches his head, takes a long pause.

"I'd give you two deathnotes."

**DING DING!**

Raito has forgotten to mention this, but they also gave him a bell.

"Ryuuk, you win this round," he says, clapping his hands in a humdrum way. "As for the rest of you, you're past pathetic and I wish I had a deathnote right now so I could write all your names in it and spare myself the trouble of continuing this horrible excuse for a dating show."

The announcer laughs at the losers on the stage, commenting, "Mr. Right sure is harsh, but please stick around for round two, ladies and gentlemen. Now here comes our commercial break."

* * *

**Round 2**

"Welcome back to Kira's Kingdom Romance Special. Right now we're getting ready for the second round that should be as insightful as our first one. Let's see if lover boy Ryuuk" the camera pans out to capture the death god eating an apple, "can keep his place as number one with our man of the hour."

Raito, leaning on the arm of his throne and looking all kinds of bored, makes a motion for the announcer to speed up so he can get onto humiliat – questioning his potential mates.

"Since round one made me want to wipe a good majority of you off the face of the earth, I really shouldn't be having a second round. But since I'm a benevolent god, I'm giving you all a second chance. Now to speed things up just answer in the order that you were called the last time."

Raito rises up from his slump, crosses his legs, and tells them his scenario.

"You ask me out on a date and I actually agree to go, as conflicting with reality as it sounds. I leave the plans up to you on where we'll be going or what we'll be doing for our date, but to piss me off as _least_ as possible, our date consists of –"

"Shopping and ice-cream and holding-hands and snuggling and –" Misa takes a deep breath like there's going to be more, but Raito cuts her off before that can happen.

"Dinner would be a nice starting point. Maybe we could go see a movie or just talk about whatever comes to mind. I don't really think about what I'm going to do on a date, so this question is a bit difficult…"

"I see where you're going with this, so I'll give you points for trying."

After he was done speaking to Takada, L perks up like he was bloodhound and he smelled an opportunity to piss him off.

"I would start things off by taking you into a quiet room and getting to know you, things like where were you on the night that Lind L. Tailor died, or what are your views on the death penalty. Then depending on your answers and the machines I've hooked you up to, we would either go to a pastry shop or another nice quieter room that's under 24/7 surveillance and that throws in a free pair of matching bracelets for lifetime residents."

"You're an asshole and I'm glad I killed you."

"Touché."

"My turn," Near says when Raito turns to him.

"Do you have a license?"

Raito stares at the boy suspiciously. "What kind of license?"

"For being Kira, you tend to overlook the most obvious of answers. I mean a driver's license. Do you have one?"

"Yes."

"Then we will go to Toys 'R' Us for our date. I will show you a good time."

"I'd rather go on a date with L to prison than endure that. Mikami?"

"I would ask you what you wanted to do and where you wanted to go and then we would do that."

Raito smiles and rang his little bell. "Mikami is my favorite, but I'll wait for Ryuuk to redeem himself."

Seeing his prize of apples threatened, Ryuuk quickly jumps into action.

"I would uh… let you have the shinigami eyes for free."

Raito looks at him carefully, business face on. "Is that even possible?"

Ryuuk can tell when the boy is intrigued, and so to completely reel him in, he repeats dialogue from a movie he had watched when Raito had been too busy to play Mario-cart with him.

"Sure, anything's possible if it's for you, _baby_."

Raito promptly stands up and calls out to the producers, "Okay, it's finished. I've found my one true love. Let's get out of here, Ryuuk."

However to the dismay of Raito, five seconds later that one particularly bothersome producer (and truly his existence is irritating if he's getting between Raito and true love) pleads with him that the show will suffer from poor ratings if it ends on this note, and plus they were supposed to fill a one hour time slot, which they certainly won't be able to do if Raito goes off with the shinigami now.

Since Raito is reasonable and he does not want his faithful flock to feel he does not care about their needs (or whatever) he will stay for their benefit.

* * *

**Round 3**

"Finish this sentence: I hate blank and blank who ruin our world with their blank, and if I had a blank, I would use it to blank them all."

"I hate Takada and the rest of Raito's secret girlfriends who ruin our world with their boy-friend stealing, and if I had a deathnote, I would use it to break up with them all."

"Not. Even. Close."

"I hate injustice and pride-less women who ruin our world with their pettiness, and if I had a deathnote, I would use it to get rid of them all."

"We're getting somewhere, I guess…"

"Give me three nouns, one gerund, and a verb" L says to Near.

To which the boy dryly lists: "Naruto, Ichigo, bed-wetting, monkey, and tidily-wink."

"There you have it," L says. "I hate Naruto and Ichigo who ruin our world with their bed-wetting, and if I had a monkey, I would use it to tidily-wink them all."

Raito stares at L, expression dead serious.

"I really hate you."

"I was confident that would be the answer."

"Mikami," Raito calls with a sigh, "please restore my faith in humanity."

The attorney nods. "I hate L and unrepentant criminals who ruin our world with their hypocrisy, and if I had a deathnote, I would use it to cleanse them all."

"At least one of you has a brain."

Raito turns to Ryuuk and shakes his head at the shinigami.

"I don't even want to hear want you have to say."

* * *

**Round 4**

"So we're standing outside your door, ready to call it a night. How would you go about ending our date to ensure it was memorable _for me_?"

"Sex!"

"Good answer, Misa," Raito says, liking the way she didn't beat around the bush.

Takada fidgets when it is her time to answer. She knows what she should say to get on his good side, but her pride and modesty will not allow her to degrade herself on live television like that shameless Amane girl. "I… would make plans for another date –"

"She's blushing. Look at her blush!" Misa cackles and Takada swipes rather "unladylike" at the hand pointing at her.

Raito sighs. "Look, Takada, are you going to invite me up for sex or not?"

"Excuse me?!"

"Okay, moving on," Raito says and then belatedly realizes that maybe he shouldn't have rushed Takada along in her response because now he has to deal with the rest of his potential partners that are all unfortunately very male.

Who's bright idea was this anyway?

"Okay, you know what, I'm going to be blunt with the rest of you. I don't want to have sexual relations with anyone who has the same parts as me, so unless you're a girl, this question doesn't apply to you."

"Must I invite you into my living quarters?" L suddenly questions. "Couldn't the door suffice if you wanted to have sex?"

"Did you not here me?" Raito says to him, absolutely horrified that this bastard had the gall to just say that on live television.

"Do not worry, Raito-kun. I will be gentle with you."

"Oh god, please stop talking right now."

"Since I'm already eighteen," Near adds to the conversation, "it wouldn't hurt to get experience in this. Plus, from what I've heard from an informed source," he turns his head in L's direction, "you're a tomcat in bed."

"Yes he is," L says with a smile on his face.

"That's a lie!" Raito yells towards the audience. "I would never – you are such a liar!" Raito stutters and cannot contain his anger in the face of L and his successor.

The audience members turn to each other, deliberating this piece of news.

The announcer, who had been staying the hell away from this side of the stage (and for good reason), shoves his microphone under L's mouth. "Would you like to comment?"

"Yes, I would," L says and hijacks the microphone. "I am heartbroken that Raito-kun denies our love when at the time it had been mutual. But it is not his fault." He pauses deliberately.

"For he has amnesia."

"NO I DO NOT!" Raito yells and begins clicking his watch so he can get to the hidden piece of deathnote and kill L for a second time. Apparently, once wasn't enough.

"Severe amnesia," L clarifies. "He does not remember saying many things. For example, he once told me that I was the best and he would gladly bear my children."

"I never said that! Why the hell would I say that?!"

"He also told me that he was no match for my intelligence that is so great that if I were to stack a hundred sugar cubes, his IQ would merely represent one grain of that tower while mine_ would be_ the tower. Did I also mention that he wants to have my sons?"

"I never said that! Kick him off the show!"

Mikami, who is offended by this talk, turns to L and says in the most civil manner, "Please stop spreading these hurtful rumors about him. They are untrue and I will be forced to past judgment on you if you do not abide by his rules."

L tilts his head slowly in Mikami's direction and then asks: "Who are you?" By his tone he is really asking Near for the answer.

"One of Kira's groupies," the boy states and points to one of the finger-puppets that he had abandoned on the floor since the start of the show. "He's the one with the shinigami eyes now."

"Is that so?" L looks above his own head then shields the area as if that will fix the problem. "Can you see it now?"

Mikami gives the detective an odd look. "I can still see your name."

"That is unfortunate, since Watari is staked out in the scaffolding opposite of the stage with a sniper rifle that he will now be using on you when I give the signal." L gives the signal, but is disappointed when Mikami does not fall dead.

"Why are you not dead?"

"Probably because Watari's not in the scaffolding," Raito points out. "He's in the audience, next to Mello."

L frowns at this. "Ah… nevermind then. Carry on with your business, but remember that I do not like you, mainly because you are a lawyer and because you are only serving as my replacement until I woo Raito-kun back."

"I'm a persecuting attorney," Mikami corrects, horrified that this man is L.

* * *

**Round 5**

"Okay, since last round was a complete failure, I think I should stick to questions that really have nothing to do with me and more to do with you, like your apparent mental problems or dating histories. I'm inclined to ask a few of you about both, but we're pressed for time, so I'll only be asking you about current relationships or past ones that might or might not piss me off. Misa, you're first."

The girl shakes her head emphatically. "Never! Misa has never had a boyfriend and only wants to be with Raito forever!"

Raito thinks over that statement. "That answer doesn't piss me off. Good job, Misa. Your second win for the night."

L raises his hand and Raito wishes that he had simply stayed dead. "What?"

"I would like to add that Misa-san has had at least one boyfriend."

Misa's eyes widen and then her voice takes on a higher register as she shouts back at L. "I've never had a boyfriend! Ryuuzaki is lying!"

"But Misa-san, are you saying that I imagined the deep connection we shared throughout my investigation of you, not to mention that you did kiss me on this cheek and I have never washed it since."

"Ew – I mean no!" Misa yells. "Misa was treating you like she does all her friends." Then she thinks it over and says in a small voice, "some of her friends…"

"So I was misunderstanding your flirtatious gestures and we were not in the prime of love?"

"Okay," Raito dryly interrupts, "someone better quickly explain this to me or I'm going to tell Mikami to write both your names down in the deathnote he has on him."

"Can this wait, Raito-kun? We are discussing our future as Mr. and Mrs. L."

Raito narrows his eyes at both parties.

"Misa only thinks about Raito and no other man will ever do for her," the blonde placates.

"Except L who will give her pretty things if she is his _kanojo_."

"You're both disqualified for this round," Raito concludes darkly and then turns to Takada sourly.

The woman bulks.

"So what about you Takada? Do you have any flings on the side that I'm unaware of?" Then Raito seizes upon something that he had forgotten about. "You and Mikami seem_ awfully_ close, attending cases together. The fact that he had a firm grasp of your personality and what you would do if Kira contacted you makes me wonder if something wasn't building between the two of you. I also heard that you went to dinner with him a couple of times; mind if you explained what that was about?"

Raito eyes her suspiciously and the woman puts her hand up as if to physically shield herself from it. "Of course not, we're business acquaintances. Isn't that right, Teru-san?"

"Yes, I was interested in hearing more about what Takada-san thought about Kira and I asked her to join me for a few dinners. I admit that I find her very attractive and intelligent, and –" Raito shakes his head at Mikami, suggesting that it wouldn't be wise to flatter someone else on his show.

Takada picks up for the attorney, finishing, "we've never even entertained the idea of romance. Those dinners were strictly business."

"Uh-huh," Raito says with a skeptical eyebrow.

"Raito has every right to be suspicious of her," Misa chimes in conversationally. "I bet she's a slut."

"You bet I'm a _what_?" Takada turns around, ready to jump on the blonde and start clawing.

"Nothing personal, Miss Takada," L joins in, "but I will have to agree with Misa-san about the nature of your virtue since we are friends and it would be wrong for a friend to doubt another."

Takada turns to the detective, past offended. "Who are you?" she asks in a waspish tone.

"I am your worse nightmare," L says with an absolutely serious face.

"Do not talk to Takada-san like that," Mikami defends on her part.

"Please never interrupt me while I'm speaking, or I will you kick you, and there will be a good chance that you will not be able to get back up again."

"Okay, okay, shut up everybody; you're giving me a headache," Raito says as he rubs his temple.

"The four of you have already lost this round, so I'm moving on to Near. I'll pose the question again because I want the four of you to realize how absolutely retarded you are for missing it.

"Now then Near, do you have any significant others that would get in the middle of our relationship if I chose you today?"

The boy takes a long pause. "I could answer to your liking and say no." He takes another longer pause. "But I would be lying since I am seeing someone."

Raito narrows his eyes. "Wait a minute, you're actually going out with someone and you came on my show." Raito turns to the producers. "Can I disqualify him now? I mean I have good reason to -- he's cheating on me."

The producers nod, because they can't disagree with that logic.

"Finally," Raito says, glad that he was able to get rid of one idiot.

Now all he had do was get rid of the other four.

"Get off my show," Raito shoos.

"With pleasure," the boy says plainly and hops off his seat. He ambles into the audience area and suspiciously takes a seat next to Mello, who upon seeing this, turns to the frowning redhead next to him and puts up his hands, as if to deny whatever misunderstanding this action from Near has caused.

Raito turns to Ryuuk, the current crowd favorite and his by a long shot. "I'm pretty confident that you don't have anyone on the side like the rest of these unfaithful bastards. I could question you about Rem, but that would prove fruitless because for one it's _you_ and two Rem's in love with Misa." Somewhere in the audience, a white shinigami quietly makes a note to herself that she will one day kill Raito Yagami and free Misa from his detestable influence.

"The only thing I have to worry about is if you become bored. Then I can sense that you'll dump me in a heartbeat… or more appropriately a heart-attack. I don't like the fact that you possess the ability to kill me anytime you want, but at the same time I can admit that for anyone to have such authority over me is incredibly sexy, so I'll let it slide. Here's an apple."

"Yay!" Ryuuk celebrates, even though he had not been paying attention to one thing the brunette had just said.

* * *

**The Wrap-up**

The announcer takes center stage to give a review of each contestant's score in preparation for Raito to make his final choice.

"Ryuuk is in first place with a score of 3 points, Mikami and Misa are tied at 1, Takada has 0, Near has been disqualified on the grounds that he is a dirty two-timer, and L is at -100. How he's managed to end up with a negative score, we have no idea. But he's obviously very good at it if he was able to accumulate this score in such a short time."

The detective, looking far from disappointed, waves at Raito to draw his attention. "I may be last on the score-boards, but I know I am first in your heart."

"Go to hell and stay there."

"I think it's about time we asked Kira-sama who he will be going home with tonight." The announcer walks towards the contestant side of the stage, starting with Misa. "Will it be the lovely Misa Amane, the studious Kiyomi Takada, the socially-challenged L, the dashing Teru Mikami, or the cuddly shinigami Ryuuk.

"Which one of these fine but strange catches will Kira-sama settle for? Let's zoom the camera in and observe how he goes about making his choice."

The camera zooms in on Raito.

"Okay…I'm thinking of a number between one and ten; whoever's guess is the closest will win, but the penalty for the rest of you is an immediate and pain-filled death. Any questions?"

L raises his hand. "I have a stomach-ache. Can I be excused?"

"No, you can't be excused."

"Misa will try her hardest to pick the right number." The blonde puts her small hands together in prayer, waiting for that special number to come to her, but unfortunately her concentration is interrupted when "Lady" Takada snorts at her in amusement.

"What're you laughing at?"

"Nothing," she says behind her hand and a smirk.

"That's it!" Jumping out of her chair, Misa leaps on Takada in a fashion similar to a flying squirrel leaping off a branch and onto another.

"Someone call my bodyguards!" Takada screams.

"Raito is _my_ boyfriend!" Misa asserts and starts pulling her hair.

"Go Misa-san!" L cheers from his seat. "Fight for true love."

Mikami turns towards the detective as he continues to root for the blonde. "That's hardly appropriate! Takada-san did nothing to deserve this."

L leans forward on the balls of his feet. "I am sure you are right, but Misa-san is entitled to her opinion. As am I." L then goes onto kick the legs of Mikami's chair so the attorney tips backwards and lands on the floor.

"Misa-san and Takada-san are engaged in an honorable battle of love." Both look over to find Misa biting Takada's arm as the taller woman has her in a headlock. "Yes, quite honorable," L repeats and points solemnly at Mikami. "I will now challenge you to a duel. En garde."

"I've dealt with bullies before."

"I am not bullying you, but I will certainly steal your milk-money if the situation calls for it."

Raito stares at the fighting idiots and hopes they all kill each other so he won't have to.

Though if someone had to win, he hoped Mikami and Takada came out victorious. Those two were serving his purposes just fine. Odds should be in their favor anyway, with both larger than their respective opponents.

Raito watches with a tick in his eye as Misa, small and ineffectual as she is, pushes Takada off the stage and into the audience. She dusts her hands, as if rid of garbage, and then points at Raito like this was enough to make him swoon over to her.

L and Mikami were still battling it out. Raito hoped that Mikami kicked his skinny ass, and it was looking that way, until L shouted "someone is ravaging God!" (what kind of distraction was that anyway?) and Mikami, his one true trump card, the only one who seemed to have a brain around here, fell for the stupidest trick in the history of human existence and turned around to make sure God was okay.

Raito sighs. Really, if Mikami ever had a flaw, it was that he was too devoted.

L used that opportunity to kick Mikami off the stage, also dusting his hands like he had rid the world of a great evil.

"It seems we have both come out triumphant over our replacements."

Both model and detective turn towards a seated Raito and begin to advance towards him.

Raito blanches. "Wait a minute." He put his hands up, stalling. "You're supposed to let me pick."

"Go claim your prize, Misa-san. I will hold him down."

"G-get away from me!" Raito shouts when he realizes that they aren't listening to him anymore. He jumps out of his chair and sprints for his personal emergency exit, Misa and L chasing after him with rope, duct-tape, and handcuffs. How exactly they had come to possess these items explained by the black briefcase that Watari had set down by L's chair at the start of the program.

"Well…um… what a great episode of Kira's Kingdom! I hope Kira-sama finds love with –"

"Ryuuk, help! Save mmpphh…Mmm!"

"With those two," the announcer continues professionally and tries to ignore the scene on the other side of the stage as L duct-tapes the brunette's mouth and Misa ties his hands behind his back. "We at Sakura TV believe that love isn't confined by things such as race, gender, or even species," the spotlight comes to a stop on Ryuuk as he enjoys his apple, oblivious to Raito's pleas for help. "Just as we have done for Kira-sama, we will help anyone find his or her true soulmate -- and only for the bargain price of 9.99. So please send in your tapes at the address below, informing us of your love problems –"

L strolls in front of the announcer while he's pitching his sale, a bound and struggling Raito currently thrown over his shoulder; Misa following close behind and giving him directions to the nearest love hotel.

* * *

First off I'd like to apologize, because with a story like this you can't help but apologize. Secondly, I'd like to ask that no one ever take me seriously for the rest of my life, because that would make me wonder about your mental stability. And thirdly and possibly the most unfortunate news, I will probably write another one of these, but it will star Mello. May God protect you from the incoming stupidity of that one.


End file.
